Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Creatures of the Modern Men's Room

     I thought, if my readers would indulge me, I would break from the political punditry for today and lighten the mood with a post about the cultural oddity called The Men's Room. Now for you ladies out there, you may have similar experiences upon which I am about to expound, although I do not make a habit of frequenting the ladies room so I could not say for sure that you do. Following is an incomplete and slightly sardonic list of the various individual types I have been subjected to while frequenting the men's room.
     The first creature of the men's room is one I like to call the Preemptive Unzipper. This is the gentleman who walks into the men's room already having started to unzip his pants. I have never understood if this is because he thinks it is going to save him fractions of a second having to occupy the men's room, or if he just has that weak of a bladder. And that half a second saved pre-unzipping could mean the difference between successful urination in the proper place or wetting his pants.
     The Close Waiter is another of the exotic and strange creatures one finds lurking in the recesses of the modern day men's room. This is the guy who waits so close behind you as you do your business that you have to check to make sure he has not stolen your wallet. I am not sure if this gentleman is afraid someone else is going to sneak ahead of him, or if he is just a space invader in general. I am sure many of these types leave little space between themselves and the person ahead of them in any line.
     Next in our cavalcade of the odd creatures encountered in the men's room is the Incessant Talker. This jovial spirit is just a little too gregarious for the environs of the men's room, and can not seem to desist from engaging in conversation. It is almost as if this guy thinks he entered a cocktail party instead of the men's room. He begins speaking the moment he enters and does not stop until he leaves. I am not sure if this behavior is an aid to the process in which he is engaging, or if he really has that few friends that he must talk to strangers trying to answer nature's call.
      One of the most perplexing visitors to the men's room is the Sink Bather. This irregular creature not only washes his hands when he is finished with his business, but his face, arms, and other parts of his body. I am not quite sure if this guy does not have proper facilities where he lives, or if something in his childhood requires him to elevate personal cleanliness to an obsessive level. But it is frustrating for anyone waiting to just wash their hands having to watch someone using the sink as a human bird bath.
     Lastly, there is the Hand Waver. This is the guy who does not quite know how to activate the electronic paper towel dispenser, and subsequently stands in front of it waving his hands furiously. Watching the Hand Waver is a strange mix between watching an avant garde dance recital and the guys at the airport with the flashlights who guide the planes to their proper stopping point. Usually by the time they get the machine to work their hands are dry from all the waving.
     I am sure there are other creatures that one can find in the modern men's room, but these are the ones which come to my mind on this slightly overcast day. But I must close this post and get to work on my real job, besides I have had too much coffee here at my local coffee shop and must use the men's room before I leave. I wonder which of the exotic creatures I might happen upon during this visit? Maybe I will discover a yet undiscovered species, one can only hope.

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